Lorena Wagner - 05/24/2010
About a year ago, the LORD showed me that I had a spirit of rejection and I received it through the bloodline of my dad. My grandparents tried to abort him and his siblings constantly reminded him he was not wanted.
The spirit of rejection took all my life experiences and twisted them in my head. It made me take everything personally and made me perceive its version of the truth instead of reality.
Kids are cruel in school and everybody is picked on in some way. They picked on me because I'm a redhead, so I saw my hair as a physical disfigurement. I thought if I was pretty, people would like me despite the color of my hair.
When I would get beaten up by the boys after school, I thought I was the only one getting picked on. I didn't have any black eyes but there was a lot of hair-pulling, kicking, biting, scratching and punching. I thought it was all because of the color of my hair. And I thought because I was different, I would never be accepted; and I hated myself and my hair.
During this time, I developed nervous facial tics. My mom told me to stop; but I told her no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. I told her my face would feel extremely funny and the only relief was to allow the tic. She told me to rub my face every time I felt that and I did. The Most High God had mercy on me and broke the nervous tics that very instant and I was immediately delivered.
A couple of years later in the summer, I woke up and the left side of my face was paralyzed and felt heavy. When I would blink, my left eye wouldn't close. When I smiled, only half my face would smile. My dad thought I was just making funny faces and told me if I didn't stop my face would stick. But very quickly, he realized this was a serious medical condition.
The doctors discovered I had Bell's Palsy and informed us there was no cure and I would have to live with this the rest of my life. Later, I asked my parents if that was really true: Would I have to live with this the rest of my life? I felt ugly enough having red hair, without adding a paralyzed face to the equation. And they said, "We serve a God Who heals. He is a healing God". Being a child, I thought my parents were smarter than the doctors, so I put my faith in what they told me and ignored what the doctors said.
The LORD completely healed my face within seven days. The doctors were stunned. The healing was so complete; there is not even the slightest trace even to this very day, despite the doctors' report.
When my parents became missionaries to Swaziland, I was so ecstatic and looked forward to a fresh start. Maybe there they would accept my red hair, but little did I know that the country we were going to believed people with red hair were witch doctors.
Now, not only did the color of my hair stand out but the color of my skin, too. I was really different. I felt I would never fit in. I didn't know the language and couldn't understand their accent, even when they spoke in English. The Swazi kids were actually loving and gentle, unlike the American kids, and they were intrigued by me. They wanted to touch my hair and my skin and smell me, but I felt intimidated.
I thought I was the dumbest one in my class. The standard of schooling was much higher than in the States, and the kids laughed at me because I didn't know the answers when the teacher called on me. Inevitably, there was always somebody who had pity on me and whispered the answer to me. The spirit of rejection twisted my thoughts and once again I felt rejected. I was a loner. I thought there was something wrong with me because I was dumb. I wanted to be anybody else but me.
After my sister read this, she told me those Swazi kids loved me and loved playing marbles with me during recess. The love they gave me, the spirit of rejection stole from me.
Because there was no high school in the country we lived in, I was forced to go to boarding school. I went to an all white, all girls high school in South Africa. Suddenly, my hair became my greatest asset. I became interested in fashion and beauty and surrounded myself with prim and proper British tea-drinking girls who were gossips and snobs. I was the queen of beauty secrets and shared them with everybody. Even during my short-lived popularity, inside, I still felt dumb and ugly. I felt I was the object of gossip and that the girls were looking down their noses at me.
After three years of boarding school, my family moved to Johannesburg, South Africa; and I was finally able to live at home with my parents and go to a public school. No longer was I surrounded by prim and proper British girls but fighting Jezebels.
My sister and I rode the school bus. The Jezebels would not allow us to sit, even though there was a vacant seat. They said they were reserved. I was determined to sit because I didn't want to have to stand through high school. The girls converged on my sister and me. They pulled our hair, tore our dresses, kicked, scratched, bit, punched and burned us with their cigarettes. I stood up for myself and protected my sister. At that point in my life, I didn't know to turn the other cheek. I prayed and asked God to give me strength and after a while, they gave up.
After I graduated from high school, I returned to the States to go to college. Before school started, I lived a few months with relatives. And during those months, the spirit of rejection made me feel more alone than ever. Even though I had returned to the land of my birth, I realized I had become a foreigner. I was stranger than ever. My clothes were the latest in fashion in Europe, but they just didn't go in Wyoming. There was nothing indecent about them, but a pastor's wife wrote a letter to my parents stating I looked like a streetwalker and carbon copied it to the church headquarters. Apparently, nothing but jeans, cowboy boots, or tennis shoes were accepted. My clothes were too colorful and different.
The day finally came when I was able to go to college and move into the dorm. God blessed me with a fabulous roommate and we became immediate friends. She helped me adjust to the American way of life and I became more confident. I finally started having fun but didn't study enough and got kicked out of two church colleges with which my parents were affiliated. I was labeled a rogue missionary kid who dressed like a streetwalker. And in my shame, I went back home to South Africa.
All my life I was judged by my hair and now I began to judge other people by their hair. One night I dreamed I was walking on a busy sidewalk in a big city. The sidewalk was crowded with people walking to and fro. There was a long, green snake gliding at shoulder level. When our eyes met, he immediately came at me and coiled himself tightly around my ponytail. I grabbed him with my right hand and tried to pull him out of my hair, but he was coiled so tightly. He wouldn't budge. I woke up. At this time, I didn't know anything about the importance of dreams; but it was so vivid. I never forgot it.
Eventually, my head started to itch and burn; and I thought to myself, "Whatever you do, never itch in public". I didn't want to act like the baboons in Africa, always scratching. A couple of years went by and ridges started to form on my scalp; but I didn't think anything about it and ignored it.
Later, I got married and moved into my husband's house; and within a week, I realized I made a huge mistake. He became physically abusive and would often kick me out. In an effort to not worry my parents and hide my shame, I spent the nights at a hotel and kept going back.
As time went by, the abuse became more and more frequent. I felt like I was having a nightmare and couldn't wake up. It became increasingly difficult to hide the abuse from my family and from work. I found out he was addicted to pornography and that is why he would kick me out. I thought I married a Christian!
One early Saturday morning, he came at me with full force and I ran from him. He was so much bigger and stronger than me and I couldn't get away. "God, get me out of here. Help me". I grabbed the phone and dialed 9-1-1, but he slammed the receiver down. A few minutes later, a police car pulled up.
Later that day, I looked at myself in the mirror and I was shocked. I didn't recognize myself. Somebody else was staring at me in the mirror. We had only been married four months and four days. This was the ultimate rejection and betrayal.
For the next two and a half years, we were separated but trying to work things out. Even during that time, he was physically abusive. My family was afraid he was going to kill me. When they knew I was with him, they would often call; and if I did not answer, they would call the police. It ended in divorce. I went to my mom's beauty shop for a haircut. She told me I needed to see the dermatologist because the ridges at the crown of my head had turned a reddish purple. The dermatologist did a biopsy and discovered I had a rare condition called Pseudopelade of Broque. She gave me little green pills to take.
The first morning I took one of those little green pills, within 20 minutes, I was doubled over in pain. No matter how hard I tried to take those pills, I was never able to keep them down. I called the dermatologist. I asked her exactly what the little green pills were supposed to do and she said it wouldn't cure my scalp condition; it would only stop the burning and itching. Those little green pills were useless and I threw them out. They were not going to free me from the green snake coiled up in my hair; and the name of that snake is jealousy.
The LORD showed me the root cause of the problem and I repented from my sin of pride and vanity. (Isa.3:16) Moreover, the Lord said, Because the daughters of Zion are proud And walk with heads held high and seductive eyes, And go along with mincing steps And tinkle the bangles on their feet, (17) Therefore the Lord will afflict the scalp of the daughters of Zion with scabs, And the Lord will make their foreheads bare. (24) ... Instead of well-set hair, a plucked-out scalp.
I lived under a mountain of condemnation. No matter how much I forgave and repented of my sins, I always felt like God was mad at me. I am the elder of two girls and I felt like I was Esau and my sister was Jacob. (Heb.12:17) For you know that even afterwards, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought for it with tears. (Rom.9:13) Just as it is written, JACOB I LOVED, BUT ESAU I HATED. I was jealous of my sister. I felt like I was Leah and my sister was Rachel. I was unloved and my sister was loved. I was the one who had weak eyes and couldn't please my Heavenly Father and my sister was given wisdom and favor with God and man.
The LORD gave me this verse and it changed my life: (Gal.3:27) For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. A year before this, my dad baptized me into Jesus Christ, which meant I fulfilled the beginning of the verse. If I was baptized into Jesus Christ, then I was clothed with Christ! I was bouncing off the walls! I was firmly convinced I was clothed with Christ.
I told my family about that verse confessing I was clothed in Christ. My dad and sister said I still had to manifestly be clothed in Christ. I told them that's not what the verse said. It was a very plain and simple verse. I understood it perfectly and I wasn't budging from my stance.
I was so ecstatic over that verse and I told them with a huge smile on my face, "Nobody can talk me out of that promise". My mom turned to me and said, "Grab onto that promise with your stubborn mentality and don't let go".
Early the next morning, something flew out of my left nostril with extreme force and woke me up. I heard the sound of a loud rushing wind and I physically felt the force. Whatever it was hit my window and caused it to rattle. I jumped out of bed, expecting to see a broken window, but it was completely intact. That had never happened to me before, but I knew I didn't imagine it or dream it.
I told my family what happened and my dad said a demon was evicted because of my believing that verse. I was so happy and I became obsessed with cleansing myself from all defilement of flesh and spirit. By this time, my dad and sister were listening to me.
A few mornings later, while I was sleeping, my whole body cramped up painfully and then relaxed, causing me to wake up. I called my dad, crying on the phone, because I was afraid the demon came back. He said the demon didn't come back, but another demon left and wracked my body on his departure. He said demons typically do that when they leave. I was so happy and jumping up and down, praising Jesus. A few days later, my chest still hurt and I had a big bruise on my chest to remind me of my deliverance. It was simply a gift Father gave me to believe His Word. His Word is true. When you submit yourself to God, the devil will flee from you.
I learned the importance of meditating on The Word and each night I would pick a verse. I came across this: (Son.4:1) ... Your hair is like a flock of goats That have descended from Mount Gilead. I was always attracted to any scripture that dealt with hair because of my hair and the condition of my scalp. I knew there was a spiritual meaning but I didn't know what it was.
Despite not understanding this verse, I was going to meditate on it anyway and I imagined my hair being like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead. As I meditated on it, I heard a voice say, "Don't do that"; and it sounded like my own voice.
I flew out of bed and turned on the light. I looked under my pillows and tore my whole bed apart looking for something, but I didn't know what. I realized it was a demon using my voice and he didn't like me meditating on that verse. I thought, "Stupid demon". If that verse is causing such an uproar with a demon, I'll meditate on it every waking moment. The next day as I was meditating on it, I heard another voice squeal my name. The Word of God is alive! A few weeks later, my mom was cutting my hair at the beauty shop and she commented that there was a huge improvement. She said an amazing thing was happening and my hair was growing in thick and long. (7:5) Your head crowns you like Carmel, And the flowing locks of your head are like purple threads; The king is captivated by your tresses.
It's easy to see the faults in other people, but it's difficult to see the faults in you. So I decided to ask my sister what my problem was because I knew she would be brutally honest. She told me I had a spirit of rejection. She said that demon was the cause of my scalp condition. I was easily offended and hurt and it manifested in my scalp being irritated and tender. I decided to take her at her word and fight the spirit of rejection.
My sister showed me this scripture: (Luk.21:12) But before all these things, they will lay their hands on you and will persecute you, delivering you to the synagogues and prisons, bringing you before kings and governors for My name's sake. (13) It will lead to an opportunity for your testimony. (14) So make up your minds not to prepare beforehand to defend yourselves; (15) for I will give you utterance and wisdom which none of your opponents will be able to resist or refute. (16) But you will be betrayed even by parents and brothers and relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death, (17) and you will be hated by all because of My name. (18) Yet not a hair of your head will perish. Suffering rejection is a part of taking up your cross and following Jesus. It's forgiving those who do you wrong and turning the other cheek.
A few weeks later, I was at the mall with my family. I saw a really neat soap dispenser that I thought my mom should buy, but she said she didn't like it. Then I saw a perfect soap dispenser for my sister's bathroom, but she didn't like it either. The words, "So what's wrong with MY soap dispenser", flew out of my mouth and I was hearing them for the first time myself. I realized what I said was so outrageous and so unreasonable. For the first time, I saw how easily I was offended. I finally saw for myself the spirit of rejection in me.
One night, I asked Father for a scripture by lot: (Luk.9:42) While he was still approaching, the demon slammed him to the ground and threw him into a convulsion. But Jesus rebuked the unclean spirit, and healed the boy and gave him back to his father. I thought Jesus did it for the boy only and I wanted Him to do it for me. But then my sister showed me Jesus' words: (Mar.13:37) What I say to you I say to all. I was ecstatic! Jesus rebuked the spirit of rejection in me and healed me and gave me back to my Heavenly Father.
The spirit of condemnation would overwhelm me; and one night while meditating on: (Rom.6:11) Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus, another demon flew out from behind my right ear with force. I felt and heard a major vibration. I couldn't wait to tell my family. And when I said to my sister, "You wouldn't believe what happened to me last night", she asked, "Now what flew out of you?" The Word is alive! (Luk.11:20) But if I cast out demons by the finger of God, then the kingdom of God has come upon you.
For days, I devoured the audio series, The Curse of Unforgiveness. I followed along in my Bible, highlighted scriptures, wrote notes and searched my heart for any unforgiveness that may have been lurking. I devoured the audio series, Overcoming Sin. I was on a mission to completely rid myself of the spirits of rejection, judgment and condemnation. I became obsessed with: (2Co.7:1) Therefore, having these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all defilement of flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.
Early in the morning on May 19, 2010, I dreamed I had bloodstains all over me; and a little boy with blonde hair said to me, "Let me help you". I woke up. I desperately wanted help! Immediately, when David Eells started the Bible study, Deliverance from Rejection and Its Fear, I knew he was talking to me! The Man-child was helping me and I knew my deliverance was already accomplished.
I was set free from the spirit of rejection and condemnation! The mental torment has been removed from my mind and I know my family will no longer have to tread lightly around me. My Heavenly Father poured His love into me and I finally felt His acceptance. I was no longer rejected but accepted. (Isa.43:3) For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I have given Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in your place. (4) Since you are precious in My sight, Since you are honored and I love you, I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life. How can I possibly feel rejected? (Rom.8:31) What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?
I had been burnt to a crisp. But I learned the ashes of burning the wood, hay and stubble mixed with the water of the Word was a potent purifying cleanser, which is exactly what I needed. (Num.19:9) Now a man who is clean shall gather up the ashes of the heifer and deposit them outside the camp in a clean place, and the congregation of the sons of Israel shall keep it as water to remove impurity; it is purification from sin. (Act.11:9) But a voice from heaven answered a second time, What God has cleansed, no longer consider unholy.