Leisa Miller - 05/26/2007
This testimony is of a good lesson. I share this because we all at some time stand in a place where we won't and don't listen to the Lord when He is teaching us to listen to Him through our conscience. Thankfully, He is always merciful to us whose hearts He judges and knows, to those who are young yet love Him very much. At first this testimony may not seem very good; however, I pray that the wholeness of it will edify and strengthen and will even help those who in similar situations have found themselves in condemnation and a cycle of sowing and reaping a harvest of dead works and bad fruit; that we may come unto the Lord in fear and seek Him to help us into a repentance that brakes the cursed cycle.
I have a friend named Garna who had been given a bad report by doctors of Stage 4 cancer. I met her while she was seeking to find a dietary remedy. Another friend of mine met Garna and invited me to come with her to go and see our afflicted friend. We went, we shared with her the good news of Jesus and how, if she believed Him, that she could be set free from the curse that she was under. She told us that as a young girl she believed, but then as time went on she got married and the cares of the world just took her away. She knew little more than what you first learn when you first get saved in church. We talked to her about forgiveness and healing and repentance and she was eager to love Him and could see that He still loved her very much. She prayed and cried out to Him to give her a heart of forgiveness that she might love those whom she had hated and whom she had justifiably hurt; that they might come to know Him who loved her and could love them too.
We laid hands on her and we felt her draw from us the love of God, and we commanded her cancer to be gone in Jesus' name. After the prayer she was just like a little girl. She was tickled and she was confessing that she was healed. We came to her house again and spent some time with her. Then I often would call her, but some time went by when there was no answer on the phone. For weeks I tried off and on. One day I got ahold of her. I asked her if I could bring to a book her. I took to her a Sovereign God book. She loved it, but was also afflicted with the lies that come when you hear the truth that the lies might steal the truth from you. She thought that she was not doing enough to keep God's promises. I told her that I would come to her house and I would bring a Bible and some tabs and we would index her Bible so that she could find things faster when she was reading the Sovereign God book to be sure that what she was reading was hers. We arranged a day. She needed to cancel that day and reschedule. We rescheduled, but I could not get ahold of her again, so I stopped trying for awhile. I would think of her often, but I would not call.
One day I made myself call. She answered the phone and told me that she was wondering how I was doing and how the baby was. She said that she would still like me to come over and tab a Bible with her. I told her that I would be happy to come over that week. But I found myself not committing to going. I knew that I should tab the Bible and take it to her, but I didn't. Every time the thought would come into my head, I would let it be very quiet and fill my time up with other things. I believe that this is searing the conscience, but I did not know that is what I was doing. I had all sorts of reasons why. I was uncomfortable with baby and did not like to drive too much. Not a good reason. I had things that I really needed to get done at home that I was working on. I know - Martha Martha. Other things came and went in my mind till I just didn't think about it.
Now with all that aside, without thinking of any of that, things in my household began to go downhill. I know that just reading this you cannot know my day-to-day character, but everything that you read past this point, until repentance, is the direct opposite of how I think and act as a wife, a mom, a friend, and a daughter of God. However, these two weeks sorted out what was in me that the Lord had found and choked it up to the front, because He loves me.
I began cleaning my house obsessively. This used to be a sign that I was angry with my husband before I was saved. It went unnoticed in me. When saints would call me I would be fine and loved to be on the phone with them, but I would not want them to hang up, because I had what I was describing as something waiting around for me when I get off the phone. This thing was heavy. It was a burden of some kind and it made me feel empty. I could not read. I wanted to read, but I could not bring myself to pick up the Bible. I could talk about things of God with others, but could not be alone with God much. I noticed that I had begun to think of nice things to do for my family which I always did, but this week it was strangely obsessive. But I noticed that not only did those things go either unnoticed or unwanted, but that my family seemed to be only caring for themselves and their moods were swinging and selfish. It was uncommon to see. It served to frustrate me more. When I would clean or work or cook no one would offer help. I've learned to do my jobs without need, in love and practice, not expecting help, but it usually was offered, but not this week.
My husband could tell that something was wrong, but I could not figure out what it was. He would ask me and all I could think of was what I thought he was doing wrong or what the children were doing wrong. I knew enough to know that those thoughts were wrong and I would be angry with myself for such thoughts. They were so powerful sometimes that they would be right at the door of my mouth and I would have to find a place away from them just to make sure they did not get out in the fashion they were forming in me.
The weekends were spent, while my husband was home from work, sleeping in the day as much as I could. He could see on my face, in my walk and in my work that something was not right in me, but he could not help me. And in the meantime he was heavily afflicted with impatience and outbursts of anger and rage himself. My daughter Anna also became numb and engulfed in TV and self. My little son Joshua was always crying and needing me to hold him. It seemed to go on and on. I knew that my family was acting different. I thought that it was because I was not able to overcome this thing that was upon me and in so doing could not be a good example and clear-headed to behave right. At the same time, I knew, also, that I was also having a problem with eating things that were not necessary, eating for pleasure. I would find myself without peace and burdened and nowhere to escape it. I would eat something chocolate or sweet. Just prior to this trial I had been asking the Lord to help me overcome these cravings I have for sweet things which I never had before I was pregnant with my youngest son. I prayed and asked for the help and waited for Him so that I did not try of my own works.
One morning I woke up and in my mind, much like a song that gets stuck, I heard, "Hold him under. Keep him under. Just hold him under". I did not know that this was my help till it got louder in the kitchen, then remained in my thoughts for a week. The Lord was faithful and began to train me in how to use my baptism to overcome my flesh in unconquered areas. But that lesson appeared to fade when this trial began. It added to my thoughts of condemnation and shame. I knew that if I did not bring my flesh under control in this area, it would rule me and I could be rejected. I began talking to others about all these things. The last night of it I had a dream. I called my sister in God, Jenni, to tell her the dream, but I first told her about the happenings in my house. She counseled me and then I told her my dream. The Lord unfolded the interpretation of it in her as I told it. She saw it right away. Here is the dream:
I dreamed that I was in school and that I was in a class with others I did not know. (The school is where I learn and am being taught by the Holy Spirit.) I knew that I was supposed to have my work done for that day, but I did not have it done. (The work that the Spirit gives me to do is the obeying of what I was told to do which at this time was going and lifting up our new sister Garna in Christ.) And the teacher was not there. (The teacher is the Holy Spirit and was not there because I was not learning or obeying anyway. The work that the Holy Spirit had for me to do I was not doing, but instead, as the rest of the dream will show, I was doing something else and not the work of Love.) So we were all just hanging out. Then my mom came in and said to me, "Leisa, what are you doing?" I said to her, "We are just hanging out. The teacher is not here". She looked at me as if I was skipping school; then she left.
(The Lord showed Jenni that my mom here represented the whole body of Christ. Though I was not skipping school, I was skipping my lessons. My mom knew in spirit that I was not doing what I knew that I should be doing, that I was being idle and just hanging out.) I was then hungry so I went to the kitchen. (Not being filled by the Spirit because of my disobedience I found myself hungry and began looking for something on my own to eat.) I found an apple and I peeled it and put it in a pan with some water and sugar and cinnamon and began to cook it. (I found some fruit and season it with sugar and cinnamon, two things that are very life-giving to my flesh.) Then I thought, this is not going to be enough to fill me up, so I went to the fridge and found all the apples in the fridge. (I know that what I have found to eat [the works of my own hands] will not be enough to fill me up, but I find as much as I can to eat it all, much like the good dead works I was doing for my family instead of doing what I knew that I should be doing according to my conscience, and seasoned those works with eating things that revived my flesh and kept my conscience numb.) I got them out and began to peel and cut them and put them in the pan. When I was peeling and cutting the last apple I realized that I was not peeling or cutting apples at all, but that I had peeled the skin from my hands and was cutting them in pieces and putting them in the pan. (The Lord showed Jenni that this was the eating of my own works, the works of my own hands which is dead works in that I was trying to keep my comfort while believing that I am doing the right thing.)
I was very afraid at the revelation. It came flooding into me how important a thing I had ignored and how frightened Garna could be having heard the good news but having no one around often to lift her up in faith and straighten her in the promises of God that she might stand in the trials. I was selfish and thoughtless. At that moment I wanted go to her and I did as soon as I hung up. I learned that when we are God's and have learned to walk in the Spirit, we are held accountable to not go back to the flesh. I sowed selfishness and I reaped it in my family and my soul. I sowed an ignoring spirit and I reaped it in my family and in my soul. God was angry with me as a father gets.
Throughout the whole ordeal He opened my mouth many times in teachings to my children about being prompt about doing what we are told to do, not only immediately, but also cheerfully and not grudgingly. Out of my mouth I judged myself, but because I had chosen not to listen so that I could stay comfortable, the Lord set in motion all the ways that I was behaving in my family toward me. They did not care for me just as I was not caring for Garna. They were selfish toward me just as I was selfish toward Garna. This revelation was a humbling thing, so for me to share this with you means that I know that you will go through this too. But unlike us, our Father has more mercy, more patience, and his plans for us are perfect. We can trust that He will forgive us more perfectly than we forgive ourselves when these things are made known in us.
To make this a perfect ending, this is what the Lord did. I took the Bible to Garna and have set myself to call her often and give to the Lord this burden since she and I are both His. The next day my family was back in order just like that. My daughter said to me, while watching her favorite show, "Mom, do you need help cooking?" My husband regained his quiet and patient demeanor. My little son found smiles and calm. And my oldest son came to talk to me about trusting in God for all things.
Garna is doing well. Despite the symptoms and pain she has a good confession of faith and a strong love for God and His truth. Please keep her in prayers so that her faith may become strong and she becomes knit together with us in Christ's love.
God is faithful. He is in control and uses all things together for our good. Thank you, God. Amen.
Perfection is forsaking the world to follow Christ: Matthew 19:21.
Seek Yahweh while He may be found. Call upon Him while He is near: Isaiah 55:6.